Some humble suggestions for September

The northbound lanes of the I-5 bridge are closing for two weeks in September 2020 so crews can replace a cracked trunnion. As you can imagine, the impacts will be minor.

Just kidding. It’s going to be a nightmare. The Washington State Department of Transportation estimates that peak traffic hours which usually clogs the road for around seven cumulative hours — will eat up 16 hours per day.

The closure will also impact a handful of exits along the route. Crews will install a temporary barrier between the southbound lanes to help accommodate northbound vehicles, and it’ll move depending on peak traffic times.

In the meantime, some humble suggestions on how to make it through these hellish two weeks:

  1. Ask your boss if you can work from home. 
  2. Book a vacation! Shoulder seasons are cheaper for travel anyway, and I can’t imagine a better time to get out of town.
  3. Move. I hear Argentina is lovely.
  4. Quit your job and become a woodsland hermit.
  5. Die. Literally just die. 
  6. Take the bus.
  7. Ride a bike.
  8. Drive an ice cream truck. Your commute won’t be shorter, but it will have ice cream.
  9. Charter a plane. A flight from Pearson Airport to PDX probably takes around 90 seconds, and you can wave at all the little cars gridlocked on the bridge below. Hello, peasants!
  10. Buy a jet ski.
  11. Steal a jet ski.
  12. Hitch a ride with the Multnomah County River Patrol after they apprehend you red-handed in the midst of a jet ski caper.
  13. Swim across the river. It’ll be late summer, and this water is as warm as it gets.
  14. Release a climate-altering cooling gas into the atmosphere and bring on another Ice Age, a la “Snowpiercer.” Then you can drive your car straight across the frozen river, no bridge necessary. There’s even precedent
  15. Build a jetpack. Patent the jetpack. Now you can get to Portland, AND you’re a millionaire. 
  16. Carpool.
  17. Don your best teenager attire and sneak onto a school bus. How do you do, fellow kids?
  18. Accept your fate. Find a good podcast and top off your gas tank.
Calley Hair

Calley Hair

I write about city and federal politics. Find me at

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