Light rail plans scrapped
Photo illustration by Linda Lutes/The Columbian
At a meeting Friday attended by the same 10 people who attend every meeting on such matters, Columbia River Crossing Director Nancy Boyd shocked attendees by announcing that Portland’s MAX line really is the Loot Rail, Crime/Gravy Train they say it is.
“Though nearly every major metropolitan center uses some form of rail to transport its citizens in an efficient manner, hearing the same 10 people repeat the same refrain at every public event we attend has finally convinced us,” Boyd said. “But luckily, we’ve settled on a Plan B that we think will thrill everyone.”
Boyd then introduced Washougal area zip line operator Derek Hoyte, who was dinged in 2010 for operating his canopy adventure tours without permits.
The CRC’s new mass transit plans call for installing two zip lines — one for northbound travelers, and the other for those heading south.
The cost? Hoyte said he’ll keep prices down by ducking taxes at Home Depot on Hayden Island.
And lest this become another taxpayer subsidized boondoggle where riders pay less than their full share, Boyd said each zip trip will also carry a toll of $20 in each direction, or just $10 if you zippool with one or more other commuters.
“Of course, with two-thirds of Clark County’s adult population classified as overweight or obese, very few people will be able to share a ride without exceeding our 400 pound weight limit,” she noted.
Though both supporters of light rail, Vancouver Mayor Tim Leavitt and Clark County Commissioner Steve Stuart immediately went to downtown Portland to start their hunt for custom-tailored matching adventure wear — capes included.
Pulling out a piece of paper upon which he had jotted quotes for the occasion, Stuart exclaimed: “This plan is better, faster AND cheaper!”
“I’m just glad that folks had a dialogue,” Leavitt said from his office, where he searched the Internet for the high-hold hair gel used by Steven Segal that would also surely keep his locks in place as he zoomed high over the Columbia.
And, from the meeting mavens at All Politics is Local, HAPPY APRIL FOOLS.