BOIDS & CHICKENS
I DON’T LIKE BIRDS ANYMORE. See, my boss “let me go” the other day. He explained that “tweets” have rendered me expendable. You know, those 140-character text messages on Twitter, an on-line micro-blogging network which is exemplified by a blue sparrow. Or is it a swallow? The rationale cited was, Why should we pay you for intelligence when we can get it for nothing simply by posting a hashtag? I could have said, Because of genuine social reasons (like keeping somebody employed). But bottom-liners wouldn’t get that. I was also told that my firm’s stockholders wanted juicier dividends. Consequently, my stipend was raided to appease them. So, after 15 years of service, I’m now in the same boat as the folks on the ramp to Interstate 5. The only difference is that my cardboard sign is scribbled on The Information Superhighway! It states: WORK WANTED. CAN WRITE ADVERTISING COPY. FLUENT SPANISH. COLD WAR VET. (360) 553-8591 …MORE FREE TIME allows me to scrutinize my junk mail. One piece in particular, “The 2014 Clark County Official Local Voter’s Pamphlet,” caught my attention. It contains the portraits of 47 candidates; 99% are Caucasoids. Fifteen of them are women. The profiles reminded me of Herbert Hoover’s 1928 campaign for President of the United States. It unfolded on the Eve of The Great Depression. The Republican Party promised voters a chicken in every pot if he were elected. Today, on the heels of The Great Recession, just about everybody is offering jobs on a silver platter. Jaime Herrera-Butler indicates that she’s going “to remove red tape to job growth.” Ben Shoval acknowledges that many of his neighbors are out of work; that’s why he’s going to make it harder to raise taxes. Gina McCabe assures the reader that she “will fight for jobs.” Lynda Wilson recognizes that “families need more and better jobs.” Paul Harris promises to get “Washington Working.” John Ley’s focus will be to “empower businesses to create jobs.” Brandon Vick affirms that he’ll be “putting Washington back to work.” Liz Pike intends to “reduce job-killing regulations.” Ed Orcutt’s priorities include “creating new family-wage jobs.” Carolyn Crain will “work to restore job opportunities in Vancouver.” Jeanne E. Stewart plans to “expand economic development to create jobs.” Bob Dingethal says he’s created “hundreds of jobs.” Monica Stonier wants to be “a partner for job creation.” Richard McCluskey will work to “grow living wage jobs right here.” Maureen Winningham understands that job security is “a struggle.” On the other hand, Scott Dalesandro, an aspirant for State Partisan Office, wants YOU to allow HIM to work! With so many politicos out there looking for jobs on my behalf –some sporting pins with the word JOBS on their lapel — maybe I won’t have to bother reading the Want Ads!