I can so relate to the lyrics of Pink’s song Don’t Let Me Get Me. Lately, I’ve been struggling mightily with myself, “I’m my own worst enemy… I’m a hazard to myself.” I’m really, really disappointed in myself. I feel like I should be stronger, more toned, more fit, slimmer. Not fat anymore. I’m really struggling with how to get myself to the next level. I’ve been in this space for a long while. I really had hoped to be much closer to my “Fit by Forty” goal by now. I want to be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40 this summer. I feel like at the rate I’m going I’ll miss the mark. Or will I?
I’ve been putting together a PowerPoint presentation for my talk at the library this Saturday. Last night, mind full of negative self-talk as I was adding more content to the presentation, I just started looking at the photos of myself as a morbidly obese woman. Heavy, heavy sigh. What a reminder. Those photos were, and are a reminder of how far I’ve come. For goodness sake, I’ve lost 173 pounds! I am stronger, more toned, more fit, slimmer, and happier. Why do I continue to put so much emphasize on the negative? Why do I beat myself up so much? It’s the mental, the inner battle. It’s equally, if not as taxing as losing the weight.
I vow from this day forward to give myself a break. To silence the demons whenever they start whispering to me and serve as a reminder to myself about how far I’ve come — I’ll pull out these photos.